This Week, For the First Time in My Life… I Made Myself Unemployed

This week, for the first time in my life… I made myself unemployed.

And honestly?

That sentence feels both terrifying and relieving at the exact same time.

I have worked since I was old enough to have a job. I’ve always been the person who pushes through, figures things out, keeps going, keeps smiling and keeps showing up no matter how stressed, exhausted or overwhelmed I felt.

Because that’s what we do in early years, isn’t it?

We adapt.

We survive.

We carry on.

Even when we probably shouldn’t.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve questioned myself more than I ever have professionally. I stepped into a role I had waited a long time for, believing it would be the fresh start I needed. I ignored the anxiety in my stomach, the exhaustion, the stress headaches and eventually even a Crohn’s flare because I kept telling myself:

“Just stick it out.”

“You’re overthinking.”

“Maybe this is just how all nurseries are now.”

But deep down, I knew something wasn’t right.

And the hardest part is, this wasn’t about one bad day or one difficult situation. It was the constant internal battle between my professional values and what I was seeing around me. It was walking into work every day already feeling emotionally drained. It was carrying worries home with me, waking up anxious, and feeling like I was slowly losing confidence in myself despite knowing I am actually a good practitioner.

Because here’s the thing nobody talks about enough in early years:

Being resilient should not mean sacrificing yourself.

At some point, “coping” becomes survival mode.

And I think so many practitioners are stuck there without even realising it.

This week, I reached a point where my body physically forced me to stop. Stress, anxiety and exhaustion caught up with me all at once and for the first time ever, I had to sit with a really uncomfortable truth:

I cannot continue making myself unwell to prove I can cope.

Leaving wasn’t an impulsive decision.

It wasn’t dramatic.

And it definitely wasn’t easy.

In fact, I think one of the hardest parts has been the guilt.

The guilt of leaving a team.

The guilt of finances.

The guilt of feeling like I “failed” at something I wanted so badly to work.

But after a lot of reflection, I’ve realised something important:

Walking away from something that is damaging your wellbeing is not failure.

It’s self-respect.

And maybe that’s the lesson I needed to learn.

Not every opportunity will be the right one.

Not every environment will align with your values.

And no job title is worth losing yourself over.

Do I know exactly what comes next? No.

That’s scary.

But for the first time in a long time, I also feel honest with myself.

And maybe that’s the beginning of something better.

So if you’re currently sitting in your car before work feeling anxious, burnt out or questioning yourself… please know this:

You are not weak for struggling.

You are not failing because you reached your limit.

And you are allowed to choose yourself too.